Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
At least he brought enough for everyone
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
this is the news I live for
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.