Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
#Caturday
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.