Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
This will never not be funny to me.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too