Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”