[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad