[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This checks out
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.