Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child