@TrainedHedonist: Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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@BuckyIsotope: Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.
@LoneWolfStories: Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.
@petfurniture: "why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
@Bobinhiding: Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."