Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.