[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?