[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
LOL!
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]