“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Pikachu found the lost joint
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”