card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.