*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.