@AngelaLovesNY: Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds...not the religious robey dudes.
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@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
@FBSisnothere: When I hear the phrase "Freudian slip" I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can't be healthy.
@DurtMcHurtt: I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."