@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

@FBSisnothere: When I hear the phrase "Freudian slip" I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can't be healthy.

@DurtMcHurtt: I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."

@Matt_The_1st: Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago