If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’ve been drinking.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you