@SteveSuckington: "You can have sex with my sister over my dead body" "Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I'm just gonna do it in my car"

@Lin_Baker: I child proofed my entire house... and they still got in

@soandrewyang: *at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

@pbear79: A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date.. Long story short, picking her up at 7.

@Lisa_Laughs_: If you buy a house off Craig's List, it comes with a free serial killer.