Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Feels like the fourth month in January
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.