Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[montage of me giving-up]
why isn’t he texting back
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.