No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi