Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
for all #parents out there
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?