Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
😂😂😂
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…