Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me trying to walk in a dream
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end