Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park