Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
She: I like Cats
He:
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.