Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
(by @ZachWeiner )