Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.