(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray