Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
This will teach them to underestimate me
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not