Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
If snakes were wide
Hotels are back
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh