the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.