JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!