Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.