Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?