Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food