Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Lmao
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”