Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The USS B port
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.