Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.