@NotthatAdamWest: Carol from Facebook said she's "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That's how days work."
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@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@AcademicsSay: Active voice: I loved your book Passive voice: Your book was loved Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
@WeissBrandon: My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that's how the fight started.