Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas