Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“and how does that make you feel?”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon