Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”