Carpe DM
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.