Carpe DM
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
This is a whole mood;
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?