Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.