Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.