My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*