@JimmerThatisAll: Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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@tripeface: My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
@mrjohndarby: Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it's you. But the dinner party is tomorrow Me: It's ok. I'll wait
@juliecursively: HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?