Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.