*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
water it, i dare you
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.