Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale