Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Note to self: I am a note
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?