Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
🤣
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Schrödinger’s cookie
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t