@Tmoney68: Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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@heatherlou_: I tell my child, "10 minutes till bed!" She hears me say, "Go put on a Halloween costume." Why?
@juanadog: 911: 911, What's your emergency? Me: It's John again. 911: John, seriously!!! Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Can you send these party invites out? ME: Sure *throws them out window* WIFE: Did you- ME: If they're meant to come, they'll come.
@JohnLyonTweets: To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.