@Tmoney68: Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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@sexorpizza: Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad.
@dog_feelings: i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
@sixthformpoet: Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
@sonictyrant: DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever. ME: oh no AND today is Saturday Doctor: please no Me: say it Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever. ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.