Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
FRED: right
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19