@MaraWritesStuff: Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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@dafloydsta: [first day working at Viagra] BOSS: We need a new slogan. ME: *sweating* This is really hard. BOSS: You're a goddamn genius, Johnson.
@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering
@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@Brianhopecomedy: A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.