@MaraWritesStuff: Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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@CooIStepDad: [running from cop] *cop catches me* "Get on the ground or I'll taze ya" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* "Look they were all out of tazers"
@causticbob: I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
@ChaseMit: Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
@Scdavis24: Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean... on tables, chairs & random ugly people...or sometimes floors