Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack