@shawnries: Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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@JoParkerBear: Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
@WetzelGeek: My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I'll be on a short leash though so I won't run off into the woods like last time.
@hellohappy_time: A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven't been trained for this