Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.